I stumbled across a fantastic word this week:

resistentialism

(n.) humorous theory to describe seemingly spiteful behavior manifested by inanimate objects.

 

I love this word.

Because I’m convinced that inanimate objects are, well, animate.

About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog post about this very issue.

I’ve reprinted it here as proof:

 

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The other day my whisk wrote me a letter.

 

Chef Woman,

 

Stop resting me in bowls. 

I am a whisk. 

I was made to 

twirl 

     and spin 

          and dance. 

Not to rest. 

 

When you put me in a bowl, my soul dies. 

I must to leap out. 

     I must be free. 

          I was meant for more than resting. 

 

Stop putting me in bowls, Chef Woman. 

 

Sincerely,

Your Whisk

 

 

So I wrote my whisk back.

 

 

Dear Whisk,

 

I hate you. 

 

I thought you would know that by the sheer number of times I shout,”I HATE THIS WHISK!” while using you.

 

You are my whisk. You whisk when I say. You rest when I say.

You are not a gymnast.

 

The reason you flip out of bowls is because the idiot who made you gave you a metal handle fifteen times heavier than your whisky-wire parts. So when I rest you in the bowl, your stupidly heavy handle flips you out, flinging an arc of pancake batter across the entire kitchen.

And all over me.  

 

This is not ok. 

So I am replacing you.

If you’re lucky, I will give you to my daughter and she will adore you and you will twirl and spin and dance while she pretends to make pancakes.

 

But know this,

if you pull one more Mary Lou Retton move on me before I replace you,

I will donate you to the thrift store

     where you will languish for years,

          rusting amongst the other utensils who disappointed their owners. 

 

Do not test me on this.

Hugs and Kisses,

Chef Woman

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It’s timely that I found this, because – I am not kidding about this – I JUST finished making pancakes for my kids. And the whisk – that same whisk I swore to replace more than a year ago – flipped backwards out of the bowl because of its heavy handle.

Pancake batter everywhere.

Its days are numbered, I tell you.

And I mean it this time.